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Monday, April 19, 2010

mistakes & moving on.

I am a real person.  I make mistakes.  I am not perfect.  Sometimes I say things that I shouldn't.  Sometimes I do things that I shouldn't.  I am a real person.  Sometimes I'm self-conscious.  Sometimes I'm cocky.  Sometimes I'm quiet. Sometimes I'm loud. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm happy.  Most of the time I'm happy. 

I'm an adult, as are most of you who are reading this.  I'm an adult, but I still make mistakes. And as an adult, I try to own up to my mistakes & remedy the situation.  This weekend I did something stupid.  Apparently, obnoxiously stupid.  All I know is that I drank way too much alcohol & I don't remember, but I know that I said some things that I shouldn't have.  That's the thing with alcohol - if you choose to drink too much, you can do & say things you shouldn't.  I generally don't drink anymore- sure, maybe a glass of wine or a beer here or there, but 99% of the time, I don't even think of it.  It's just not a big part of my life anymore.  Sure, while I was pregnant & in social situations, I couldn't believe how bored I was without drinking, but since then, I just haven't cared much about it.  I'm not bored anymore. Now I'm busy.   Now I'm surprised if I have time to finish that beer with dinner, if I've chosen to drink it.

Anyway, I heard some incredibly traumatic news about someone I wasn't close with, but someone I knew & I respected on Saturday morning.  It's one of those things that you think will never happen to anyone you know in real life- it's only on tv, right? Wrong. It happened & it happened not that far from where I live & it happened to someone I knew.

These things are a bad, bad combination for me.  Hearing about an awful thing that happened & then being given an opportunity to go & drink is something that has happened before & it's resulted in a bad night.  This weekend it resulted in a bad night again.  Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? Do you remember when Meredith used to say she was dark & twisty? Well, I get it.  I am dark & twisty... & while it might sound funny, it's not.  Alcohol definitely drives me to be dark & twisty.

I strive to be a compassionate person.  I strive to be a good person.  I wasn't always the nicest person, but I try to be nice.  But everyday is a new day & everyday something can stand in your way & mine & you may not always do something you're proud of.  That's part of life.  You screw up, you apologize & try to make it right & you move on & hope you learned... right?  I sure hope so.  I screwed up, I apologized, I'd like to move on & learn from it.

Easier said than done. 


Nikki said...

Yikes! I've been there PLENTY! At least you're adult enough to own up to your mistakes and you're trying to make amends and move forward. Hopefully, that other person is understanding and forgiving... ((HUGS))

Maria said...

Oh *hugs*. We've all been there, wishing we could turn back time.