time for a post.

i keep opening the 'new post' page & staring at the great white blank. not sure what to write. not sure what to say. not sure about a lot right now.

ever feel like you're not living your real life? instead, you're just existing? just purely existing. getting through the days. waiting for that one day when everything will magically be better? maybe you're waiting for payday (those days are always better), maybe you're waiting for your spouse/partner to get back from their business trip... or the war (I always think it's weird that we're in the middle of a war), maybe you're waiting for something that you're not sure of yet, but you're sure you'll know it when it happens.

we've been waiting. for the day when jobs would turn around, bosses would be new, houses would be new & larger, with more space for everyone (including a glorious fenced in backyard for tucker), babysitters (in the bodies of grandparents, aunts & uncles & friends) would be available & life could be, for even one second, a little bit easier... a little bit more relaxed... a little bit happier... a little bit more ours.

we went on vacation a few weeks ago to grasp a few moments of our life & to try to make it ours.  perhaps it's a normal revelation for people in their twenties who are married with kids who move constantly to feel like their life isn't their own... it's something we're struggling with.  work a job to pay the bills & do it everyday.  don't get me wrong, we know we're blessed that the huz has a job that pays well & sometimes has great perks, especially the one that allows me to stay at home with B.  the problem is, we've seen it another way.  we've experienced it another way.  & we brought on the changes ourselves.  we chose to move to this large area so often referred to as chicagoland.  we chose to ignore the people who said 'the job isn't the same there, you won't like it, it's much, much harder to get through.'  we ignored them.  & we were wrong.

we've had a few curveballs thrown at us in the last couple of weeks but last night we decided that really, it's up to us.  as my wonderful husband pointed out, we've let his job determine everything for us for the last 5 years & it hasn't really worked yet, so this time, we're making his job work around our life.  we are moving.  yes, again.  no, this certainly won't be the last time.  but hopefully we can make it work & this will be the last city we move to for quite a while.  we have a house that as of today should be waiting for us.  we have babysitters aka family nearby, for the first time since college.  there may be no new job, but we have the old one, & actually, there is a new boss coming to town... so now we have hope.  hope that we can reclaim our life & have fun again.  hope that someday we'll look back on this, while we're sitting around our kitchen table, laughing with friends, & we'll know that we made the best decision possible for our family...

we're hopeful. & that's definitely something.  this is our real life & we're keeping it.